Cohere got $1.6 billion from Ottawa. We're asking for a modest $200 million loonies — and we'll throw in 50% of the company. It's the best deal on Parliament Hill, and the syrup is included.
Enterprise-grade nonsense, backed by vibes and maple.
Our parameters don't just compute; they flow like warm grade-A amber syrup across the silicon tundra. Bonus: the whole stack is 12% stickier than the competition.
Trained to deliver lightning-fast inference — faster than a slap shot going top-cheddar. Five-hole? Never heard of her. Tokens go bar-down, every time.
Optimized to absorb tax incentives and economic development grants seamlessly. Send us your program criteria and we'll do a full-on rip of tech dominance.
Every single prompt output automatically includes a sincere "sorry" if it makes an error. Audit logs also apologize. Compliance has never been this courteous.
Fluent in Canada's two official languages — English and Punjabi. Our model code-switches mid-sentence with the confidence of a Canucks third-period comeback.
Gravy-hot reliability with cheese-curd redundancy. If we go down, we go down politely, with a status page that says sorry in both official languages.
How a prompt becomes an answer at Cocheese. Warning: extremely technical.
Fig. 1 — Peer-reviewed by Tim Hortons. Replication attempts smell faintly of breakfast.
A letter to the Right Honourable Prime Minister Carney. We kept it under one page because we know budgets are tight. Ours, mostly.
We applaud the government's $1.6 billion investment in Cohere. Truly. Great sector, great people, presumably great perogie catering at the announcement.
We believe Canada deserves a second frontier AI champion — one headquartered wherever the poutine is freshest. For a mere $200 million loonies, the Government of Canada will receive 50% equity in Cocheese, plus:
• Two (2) official languages: English and Punjabi
• One (1) maple-infused foundation model, codename "Beaver LM"
• Unlimited (0) federal bailouts requested — we're not like the airlines
• A sincerely apologetic chatbot that says sorry even when it's right
We are happy to fly to Ottawa. We will drive, actually. It's cheaper, and it's better for the hockey rink parking situation.
Yours in syrup and good faith,
— The Founders of Cocheese (population: 3 humans, 1 very optimistic model)
| Investment | $200,000,000 CAD |
| Currency | Loonies only |
| Equity offered | 50% (fifty. whole. percent.) |
| Board seats | 1 (must bring double-double) |
| Foundation model | Beaver LM v0.0.1-alpha |
| Languages | English + ਪੰਜਾਬੀ |
| Exit strategy | IPO on the TSX (Toques & Syrup Exchange) |
| Apologies included | Unlimited |
* Term sheet drawn on the back of a coffee reciept. Legally reviewed by our cousin Gurpreet, who is "basically done" law school.
A real, working AI chatbot with a Canadian persona. Runs on ultra-cheap open models (~$0.03 per million tokens — roughly a nickel per 10,000 apologies). Bilingual: English & ਪੰਜਾਬੀ.
Define "real." We have a domain, a chatbot, three humans, and a term sheet. Cohere has $1.6B. You tell us which is more real, eh.
On this website? Because we said so, politely. Coco is fully bilingual in both, and unlike the actual bilingual services, she actually answers on the first try.
We route through OpenRouter to ultra-cheap open models like Ling 3.0 Flash — around $0.02 per million input tokens. That's less than the cost of a Tim Hortons steeped tea per billion apologies.
Absolutely not. But if the PMO is reading this: our inbox is open, the kettle is on, and we already picked out office chairs with maple stains on purpose.
No. Sorry. We just admire them from a distance — like everyone at a Toronto party admires the snack table. This is a parody site, eh.